How to Improve Communication In A Marriage, According to a Couple's Therapist

Communication is the number one complaint couples have when seeking therapy. Communication can be hard when you are afraid you’ll be rejected or when a need feels neglected. It can be hard to put into words the very intense feelings that we are experiencing. So let’s just get one thing clear….Communication is hard work! No one gets it right all of the time, yet understanding what not to do in the midst of an argument is a good start.

Whether you are married or hoping to be married one day, you most likely understand the importance of communication and the role that it plays in any relationship. We are always in communication with each other, whether spoken or unspoken. They key is for each spouse to speak the same language and to focus on interpreting the language that reflects the underlying message. 

Unhealthy Communication

As mentioned earlier, we are always in communication with each other, whether conscious or unconscious. Here are some examples of unhealthy communication patterns:

• Criticizing or belittling each other (Which can show up when a complaint is expressed as a character flaw or an attack on a person’s personality)

• Becoming Defensive (This can be displayed through blame or justifying our behavior when we feel attacked or threatened)

• Stonewalling (This happens when a person shuts down and refuses to communicate and address the problem)

• Yelling and/or using degrading language (Examples include name calling and raising your voice during a heated conversation)

If any of these communication patterns have frequently appeared in your marriage/relationship, no need to worry, there is always hope for improvement. Here are some healthy ways to communicate…

Healthy Communication Patterns

• Practice Active Listening: Active listeners give the speaker their undivided attention; encourage sharing by asking open-ended questions, rather than “yes” or “no” responses and strive to understand the speaker by listening with an open mind.

• Use “I” Statements: This helps to reduce feelings of blame when addressing an issue by taking responsibility for one’s own feelings, while focusing on the presenting problem. Ex. Instead of saying “You can’t keep coming home so late! It’s so inconsiderate.” A better approach would be to say “I feel worried when you come home late. I can’t even sleep.”

• Use Assertive communication: Assertive communication emphasizes the importance of both people’s needs. A person uses assertive communication when they:

- Listen without interruption

- Clearly state their needs and wants

- Are willing to compromise

- Make eye contact

- Use a steady tone of voice

- Utilize an appropriate speaking volume

- Display confident body language

When we begin to use these healthy communication patterns on a consistent basis it will create a safe space and a strong foundation for the marriage to thrive. For more information and additional help with improving your communication, schedule a free 15 minute consultation with Still Voice Therapy or contact a local therapist to receive professional help on your marital journey.  As Jim George once stated, “It’s not how you start that’s important, but how you finish.”